the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
