i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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