smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
