my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
