Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
