Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
