i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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