After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
