The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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