I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
