there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So many bounce houses so little time
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
