Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
