Pappa wants mamma naked
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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