last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
