I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
