my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
