Ambien. No doubt about it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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