I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
