I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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