Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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