I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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