i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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