You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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