my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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