Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
