She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
