i don't plan on having that self control this summer
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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