Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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