If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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