Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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