EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
