I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
