just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
