how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
