I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
