Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
