im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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