I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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