i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
