I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
