My balls are so social today.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
