oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
