you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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