some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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