matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
