He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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