At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
