Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
