I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
