if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
